main blog is not here!

My "active" blog is now moved. It used to be on myspace, where it had a lot more traffic than here, but I've moved to my own site:


It's called :

Loving Awareness

misconceptions about spirituality

From browsing through groups, emails, and so on, I just wanted to write out what I see as some common misconceptions of spirituality that I know are out there. It's not meant to poo-poo on anyone, and not aimed at the good people that brought out these thoughts, but is merely an attempt to bring clarity in my own mind to what's often a very nebulous subject. I'm not an authority, as if anyone could be, but these are my perceptions :

1) Spirituality means totally living from the heart. That's where love is.

The heart is the center of emotions (i.e., "energy in motion") and energy-based perceptivity. It's certainly not the only place Love is, nor is any center "better" than any other. They simply have different purposes. I wouldn't even say Love, in the higher sense, is an emotion - though the warm fuzzy sentiment we all have experienced is in there. :-)

Love as I'm beginning to understand is, is far more than any simple emotion. It is the fact of the utter harmonious, mutually beneficial nature of everything in the universe. It's the perception of the complete lack of separation in essence between us all, despite what our five senses say. And any center can help get to that harmony. It could be through an enlightened philosophy, a beautiful time you touched someone's soul, or it could be through an inspired dance.

Emotions aren't "better" than the mind, either. Each center can operate in a restricted fashion. The mind can get dogmatic and fearful and demand proofs that can never be supplied - just as the heart can get all fearfully sentimental and believe it can achieve anything through wishing it strong enough, for example. And yes, I see sentimentality as a restricted operation of the heart. The more opened heart I see as a place of pure energetic, unrestricted perception. It's a place of being present in the "Now". You "feel" what's going on very clearly with an open and balanced heart! Of course, once you do, it's very helpful having the mind around to express it in words! :-)

2) Certain activities and livelihoods are more spiritual than others.

Now, I've considered being a monk at some point in my life, as a result of believing this. It *totally* would not suit me, at least in western austere style monasteries. But this is an assumption that's fairly pervasive.

We are spiritual beings on a human path.

That's a very important sentence to me. We're not humans on a spiritual path. Far from it. We're here to learn to be human. Fully, completely, unreservedly human, and learning to love every moment of every day. Yes, including the 'bad' stuff.

So in this experience of being human, there's no "better". It's not better to be doing a lecture circuit than working an office job, being a struggling mother, or working at McDonalds. For some the former is so full of subtle ego traps, having adoring people lap up every word. For some it's a beautiful learning experience, taken with humility. Likewise for the other examples - there can be a lot of learning in each.

That said, what I see as "spiritual teachings" is really centered on one central task: learning to learn through joy and pleasure instead of pain. That's all it's really about. There's no reward other than this. Love is it's own reward. There's no punishment for not doing this, other than what we create ourselves. We all want to learn, and we will no matter what, even if we resist it to our dying breath.

Now, in terms of nothing being 'better', that's in a universal sense, and for all the egos out there, like mine. Of course, for almost anyone, certain activities feel 'right' and some feel 'wrong'. And most importantly, some things make you feel more fully alive. What could be more spiritual than that? But still, it makes you feel alive. It wouldn't necessarily make others feel the same way. And your revelations, no matter who you are, won't be universally applicable. We're all learning different things. So it's helpful to have a sensible head that says "well, this feels amazingly important to me, but let's not push it on everyone until I really see if it works for others". Helps avoid conflict, I've noticed!

This feeling alive is very important, and ties in with a lot of things. Being completely present in the now, raising vibration, increasing perceptivity, trusting one's self and essence - all these relate to this cultivation of alive-ness. And it *will* be different for everyone. Yes, some people feel more alive participating in what for others would be a fairly constrictive, dogmatic church. But it's not really as important what's right for other people as it is finding out what's right for yourself. When you're alive, you naturally invite everyone else to be too. And that's really all you can do.

Sheesh, wasn't that preachy? That's about as far down that path as I get. But I'm getting tired, so I'll stop there. Maybe I'll add to this list down the road. Feel free to add comments, anyone!

Spiritual Centre for Dynamic Living

Sunday I went to the Spiritual Centre for Dynamic Living, for their church service. It was the third time I went - I know a few people there, and was toying with the idea of joining the choir, as I knew 3 people (out of 7) in the choir. However, I came away realizing that I wouldn't be joining it as I knew I wouldn't want to be a regular. It's good for a church, but no matter how progressive the ideas, it's still a church, with 2 pastors that evolved from mainstay churches, and has all the limitations of one.

First, any church (or any venue for that matter, like TV) that hopes to have a large following must reach out for the lowest common denominator. Very basic ideas that have an undercurrent in many new age books. And not that challenging ones!

Second, despite lectures about connecting, and the one time of reaching to the next person and holding hands, there's not that much connection going on. Oh, there's time afterwords for saying how great the sermon was, but is there time for real connection - with all its sharing of the total human condition. Often hearing a great singer (with good lyrics) is more spiritual than sermons, as it communicates and transcends a bit of the universal state.

Third, if I am ever part of a regular group, it will be because I want to put something into definite practise and be CHALLENGED. That means having a bit more than really vague exercises over the next week. It means going dead up against fear, losing a bit of what I thought was myself, and gaining something more than I thought I had to begin with. (I actually did this last Saturday being in my first jam session ever, bringing a trumpet I hadn't played with in 2 years, and it was dead frightening!)

Spirituality has a lot of platitudes associated with it, but to me true spirituality has a lot to do with ruthlessness. Being ruthlessly honest with one's self and supporting friends - about one's own fears and limitations, and also about one's loves and struggles thereof. In fact - and this is one of my most favorite quotes, I see "Love is the Highest Truth". You can't journey towards love, whether it be self-love, love in a relationship, or altruistic love, without a total dedication to truth. (I don't see jaded cynicism as truth at all for some of you out there!) At that applies to a group - without there being a good space created so that everyone gets heard and listened to (though not necessarily by the operators of the group), it's very hard to get a good momentum going. Spirituality needs expression too!

sophie again!

This has been a very interesting time with Sophie - the person who I have the most essence-level connection with. This is someone who about 5 months ago firmly stated that she would NEVER go out with me, and listed some reasons why. Nevertheless the connection was there, so we continued as good friends - even to the point she admitted to me I was her best friend. She's someone who is very flighty, going from person to person without much thought sometimes. And I bring out something deep in her - and also raise the shackles of her Chief Feature of arrogance.

So after she implied that the Landmark Forum she had recently gone to would help me connect with more people and make a new family of my own, I gently confronted her about her arrogance, that she had many many connections, but had a hard time being truly intimate and vulnerable in any of them. Her artisan nature makes it very easy for her to create airs and even play with energy. The 'sense' I get from people's energy can sometimes go awry with her if she decides to be creative in that area. Anyway, after this she confided that actually she WAS extremely attracted to me when she made that declarative statement 5 months ago, in fact she thought she could fall head over heals in love with me, but it was so frightening that she kept running all the reasons why it wouldn't 'work' though her mind until she let out with that statement.

So it's been a year and a half since I first met her - there was definitely a connection, though I myself was frightened at first. Definitely stuff from past lives to go through, too. We communicate better. But still, over that time, there's been no one else who I'd rather partner with, and of course that hasn't happened. The two people I dated in that time both reacted to the strong energy between us, felt threatened and reacted strongly themselves. This in a person who (IMHO) is fairly good looking and charming and all that! Quite funny really. It's gone on so long that I'm not really identified with it - it's been a real growth process. And certainly challenging for my impatience.

As for where it'll go? Who knows. She's going out with someone else now. Not sure how long that'll last. I know she's thinking about that herself. You can't rush someone going through their fears.

channeling about my mother & family

Note to the non-familiar: Michael is a discarnate entity of about 1000 souls who has graduated from the physical plane and helps. He's one of my teachers.




Carrot Wax: My question is about my family origin. What did my essence want to learn by choosing my family? What agreements/karma was there?


ShepherdHoodwin: You have many entanglements with your family, some mildly karmic. Your essence goal is to clean these up, to establish clear, uncharged connections with each family member. This is representative of where you are in your soul growth in general.

ShepherdHoodwin: You have many such muddied connections in general, and learning to clear them within your family will allow you to clear them with others more easily. The key is to find respect for each of them.

Carrot Wax: What might be a positive step to clearing things up, especially with my mother?

ShepherdHoodwin: We sense that you are rather protected toward her. Is that correct?

Carrot Wax: yes - I am very easily defensive

ShepherdHoodwin: We suggest that you listen to her openly, and allow in energies that you don't care for. You can raise their vibration later. Just receive without judgment.
Let her feel received by you; that should help the relationship a great deal. END




The energy at Shepherd's chat, with the focus on the group energetic experience, was intense. The amount of energy coming in, especially when I admitted I was defensive, was nothing I had experienced before. I was also focusing (and I think my ability is growing at this) at participating in that group energy, to open a 'window' so that others could see all that was going on inside me, since I was the focus. I broke down in tears, feeling all that energy, non-judgemental, present, just wanting to help.

The last comments were especially valid. So many of my mother's energies have associations of abuse with them, of being tense, feeling attacked. I've seen her as a warrior in dominance, and she's not one for the subtle or sensitive that often. So the part about letting in energiies I don't care for, that I can raise their vibration later was particularly appropriate. I've pretty much told her before I didn't really want to communicate until the energy she was coming from was better.

Still processing this, but I expect to put this in practise over the Christmas Holidays.

oh, tension!

I had a huge trigger today. One of my new co-workers, a nice girl of Korean background, got quite upset on seeing me write "Hatem is an asshole" on my own test system (that was not public). Hatem is the co-worker I get along with the best. It's evolved that we call each other asshole fairly regularly. So it surprised me that this new co-worker came out, tense, defensive, after looking at in my mind was my private development system, and said how uncomfortable that comment made her feel and that it should be changed immediately.

Oh, how tense this made me. Anger, rage, frustration. Self-condemnation. Feeling trapped by political correctness. Feeling I can't voice myself. Feeling now I have to conform, which is so not me.

I have such inner condemnation for my inner anger. Inner anger towards women. The most intense time in my life for this was when I was at university, when I was having a huge fight with my girlfriend and a real nosy parker offered criticism towards me. I vented my frustration at her - and then 1 month later (not having done anything other than that one time) got dragged before sexual harrassment with an assumption of guilt and veiled threats and shame. And at no time was I allowed to talk to that person after that - I was considered a potential danger. (Yes, it was just a verbal venting, not physical, not entirely one sided either, but certainly one in which I let deep seated anger out).

Honestly, I do feel such intense anger against weak women who hide behind guilt and shame and control. Not for the weakness, but for the automatic, unconscious tendencies towards shame and control. And I don't want to punish them. I don't want to shame them. I honestly condemn myself for having these feelings, even though I know it's human, considering my own history of sexual abuse. I associate simply having feelings like these with abuse.

It's taken me a few hours just trying to get these words out. And a little bit of booze. Simply saying I have intense anger towards weak woman makes me seem like a bit of an abuser in my mind. But part of me thinks that it's always a choice to be weak - simply acknowledging weakness - admiting areas where you're defensive and unconscious - is strength in itself. It's part of my strength.

I find it very hard to accept this part of myself. I tried sitting in front of the mirror and just being with myself in meditation tonight, but couldn't get there. A couple weeks ago, I did this when I was feeling intensely depressed, and it worked wonders. But with this, I find it so hard. I have no friends who I am 100% sure would totally accept this part of me. It's such a touchy issue. My closest friend now, Sophie, has an incredible connection with me, but reacts very strongly to my 'dark' side. There are others who would say the 'right thing', but I would sense they don't see what's there, they just want to make me feel better.

I totally believe Love of self - unconditional acceptance - is the only true, permanent change towards good there is. And the most radical, helpful change is Love of all this. I know I feel this way because of abuse, because I was intensely controled in many ways. I have tossed away much of that imprinting but it's still there strongly in this area. It also feels really bad that, being in a corporation, I can't express myself. I can't let tears come through my eyes.

The thing is, venting anger is not acceptance of it. It's trying to empty it so it won't trouble you again. I've tried punching bags. It also doesn't deal with anger at myself - that I let myself be controled, that I too am very weak and confused at times, that I too have tried to play on others shame at times. I love Thich Nhat Hanh's meditations/poetry on "I am that". Basically, everything in our sight or minds, we are that. I can't separate myself from my anger and helplessness - I am that. The basic fact that I am a non-enlightened human being makes me helpless in many things. There's no escaping that. I am the rage that blindly punishes. I am the avoiding of self that brings others into the drama. Yes, I have all this in common with actual abusers, and can't escape that. The emotions are in common. At some level, the fact I've never done anything close to criminal doesn't make that much difference - because energetically and emotionally, there are resonances. But that doesn't make me bad. It just means that I need to expand my love and acceptance to more people on this world - so I can also extend it to more of myself.

sleeeeeeeeep

Man, not sleeping sucks. It's a strange sort of not sleeping, when it's not that you simply don't get to sleep. Adrenaline is there in my veins and a vague anxiety creeps in, my body tenses up, and it feels like some vague threat is there in the shadows, but shadows that only exist in my mind so there's no where to feel safe.

So yes, last night I again had trouble sleeping, and I feel tired and tense today. Even going to a guided relaxation visualization I feel tense - couldn't get into it. Same sort of stuff came in. I tried breathing and listening to the fear, realizing it is my best friend, all that instinctual center stuff! No real progress that I saw.

Well, at least I saw an accupuncturist (actually in a school where it's a lot cheaper), which was recommended by Karen as per the channeling earlier in this journal. Just got some herbs this time - accupuncture next week. But I shall never lose my humour. They (the instructor and about 8 students) were asking me questions about my condition, from sleep to appetite to bowel movements to anything. And me being the sage that I am, I just Looooved the attention I was getting from 9 people all focused on me, and had them all laughing consistently for the session.

No matter how bad my problems are, I can now laugh at them and shrug and say "it's a temporary inconvenience". Even if I had no arms and no legs lying in front of a door (you'd call someone like that the same as my name) I would still possibly treat it like that.

And of course, the funny thing is, from the soul's point of view, that's just what it is...

Matthew, your sleep difficulties are as a result of three reasons.Firstly, there are direct relations between repressed memories from your current life and the trouble you have been experiencing in finding quality, restful sleep. There were certain situations that occurred that caused within you an inability to thoroughly relax. You may find that past-life regression work will help clear up this matter for you.

Secondly, there is another link from not one but two previous lifetimes that disrupt your sleep patterns. You have been attempting to resolve karmic situations from these lifetimes during your sleeptime in the present life. We would suggest then attempting to resolve these situations in a more conscious manner. It may help you to have some brief background about these two lives:One, you were a merchant seaman in the Mediterranean sea in about the 16th century. You were of Italian descent but worked at that time for Spain. You came across another ship that had been razed by pirates. All the crew were either left for dead or their bodies thrown into the ocean, except for one young ship’s mate who you could see hanging over the railing on the main deck. You knew at the time that he lived, yet you did nothing to assist him. He later died of injuries. You had had an agreement of a facilitating nature, and the karma gained from the abdication of that agreement, coupled with the fact that you could have helped him live, created the situation you are now attempting to resolve. This person is not known to you in this lifetime yet remains a figure from some of your more disturbing dreams.

Two, you were a slave in what is now China. You received a large sum of money from a philanthropic friend which allowed you to buy your freedom. You then used the balance of the money to assist you in becoming a slave trader yourself. One of the slaves you sold was a child of a wealthy family who you were attempting to blackmail. This girl was brutally beaten after you sold her but the fact that you enslaved her to begin with brings you the karmic debt at this time.

The simplest and yet perhaps most difficult to “fix” is that this (sleep problems) has become a pattern for you. Your body has adjusted to dealing with sleep in this manner and it may not be easy to change this. We would suggest then a change in some of your other patterns as well to help offset this. You may consider changing your diet and becoming more conscious of what you eat and more mindful in the eating process. You may also find some relief in trying acupuncture. Redirecting the flow of chi through your meridians may well assist you in redirecting the sleep energy you so desire.

As far as connecting more with your guides, it is true that this connection is often best done in sleeptime; however in light of the difficulties you have been having, we would suggest instead a more conscious meeting during a meditative state in other than sleeptime. Concentrate on one guide at a time and attempt to get to know this guide before connecting with another. As your sleep problems wane, you may then find even better results by asking for connection from your guides during sleeptime. Go in peace.

being seen for who I am

Today I went out to see Sophie today. It's a strange relationship, this one. I had channeled earlier that she was my mother in a past life, and it is mother issues (what with abuse) that I am dealing with most of all now. Not to mention that in that life, she neglected me a little as she was just not that interested in being a mother. Sort of goes with the feeling of not being heard/seen I feel in this life.

It still brings up a lot of reactions for me when someone I feel energetically close to not seeing what is really going on. Even with little things. For instance, when I was just getting to know her and all this stuff was coming up (for both of us), she thought I was more doglike than catlike. This really ruffled my feathers, as I am TOTALLY catlike (which she just commented on today) and I threw, in her words, a "psychic tantrum". Silly of course, but what cat likes being called a dog?

Being seen and heard for what I am is so big, because it gets so confusing when I feel others perceptions of me being out of whack - at least when I feel a strong energetic connection and can 'feel' their perceptions. My mother has somewhat of a borderline personality framework and has projection working in overtime. I always acted out her perceptions of me, even if totally off-based. Still not sure what function this served me, other than to not cause any conflicts that she would create if questioned. But it's a behaviour that has followed me. It's made me crazy as it's a real barrier for others to get to know who I am. A part of me even believes it. I'm afraid all these negative things are true. I'm a bad person, I am needy. When I touch someone and I'm feeling guilt inside, I want to drag people down. It's wrong, needy. Whereas I'm really just feeling hurt, and I want to be seen and touched gently while I'm in that space, with no sex, just affection and appreciation of who I am, which includes all that hurt (for now). But hurt transforms - when placed in the open air, where the sun (and other people) can reach it.

I am very glad I let some of that out yesterday and cried with sophie while she hugged me. Being seen and heard for what I am is SO important. When there's guilt there, I don't speak, I don't write, I am ashamed of me. SILENT. So much the guilt for the sage. Whereas I feel better when no matter what I'm feeling, even shame, is expressed. This is part of the totality of me! And it is a totality. Anything "out there" is also "in here". And that's the wonder of it all.

Well, Diane is over with! Quite an experience... I cut it off when I found out she was quite imbalanced and prone to tantrums. [Being a successful professional astrologer that also does some counselling doesn't mean anything about your own state, I saw!] A lot of fears came up as I was worried about having caught an STD. She'd told me she was tested a couple months earlier and hadn't been with anyone since then, but I started doubting her integrity after we stopped based on the energy I saw, plus my bodily reactions. There's nothing like being afraid of having caught a fatal disease to bring fear up! At first I shut down, then started totally living with the fear, seeing how valuable it was. Especially for bringing up deep seated sexual guilt for healing. I have never felt more able to totally accept my emotions, and I know I'm just starting. [BTW, I did get tested, nothing has shown up, could have been just a minor urinary tract infection] In fact, the thoughts of "I could die", as extreme and overblown as they were, really helped me be more in tune with the present, through the part of me which will not die. Brought a sense of humour to the whole thing, really.

I've never felt so light energetically, honestly.

Meeting Diane

Lots of wonderful changes in my life recently. What can I say.

First of all the online course I am taking now - a channeled course from a causal discoporate entity named michael is taking shape. (see http://www.michaelteachings.com) Some exercises I am doing from it have really triggered a lot of joy in my life. The most important one for me is simply seeing detail. Paying attention to every little detail, visually, sensually, orally (and aurally) as well as 'internal' senses. When I am there, I feel such a sense of awe. And more than that - a feeling that "simply this is enough". Being totally present, to the best of my ability, is enough. Getting anything else won't bring me more happiness than this.

Second, I've been doing a lot more exercise for the past month and a bit, and that's helped too. With the company I'm working for on strike, it's meant the company gym is free and empty. (yes, they charge employees to use the company gym - and then wonder why the atmosphere is bad at work). I've been working out, trying to breathe deeply and listen to mantra music instead of the standard top 40 crap other people leave on.

Thirdly, I've just met a wonderful woman, Diane. She's an astrologer and also an old soul. And more than that, she is very present with who she is. She has many issues inside - as do I - but when it comes down to issues, I never get bothered by issues unless there's denial and projection going on. In fact, "issues" can be such positive momentum for growth when you're present with them, compassionate to yourself and all others with similar issues. Both her and I have the sexual abuse going on, but it expresses itself as a great tenderness. So much wordless communication going on.

She actually met me at an ex- monk (Alan Clements) talk/discussion. He is fairly imbalanced and not too clear about what he is communicating. As Diane told me afterwards, she sensed my 'huge' aura immediately when I came in a few minutes late - and then confirmed her perception of it when I spoke up for a while, speaking 'peacefully' and 'powerfully'. And I felt that myself - I've come more into my own when it came to that. I didn't feel her aura in the same way - I notice crowds and the way energy is blending together more than I notice individual energies in a group - but when she caught up to me afterwards I felt a very strong connection.

Yesterday, I had my first issue coming up - sexual (of course). Some energy was flowing after an hour or two of sexual relating that really triggered me, and I didn't understand then. It was when I was being more aggressive. The insight came afterwards, after I'd told her I needed some processing time. It actually gave insight not just to me, but for understanding of sexual abuse in general.

What I understood was actually throwing traditional fear-based thought on its end. I had thought that I get triggered because something "out there" triggered me. Like I was frightened of what happened in my childhood (or even past lives) would happen to me again. However, that belief is extremely disempowering. I realized I was reacting not at Diane, who was tender, patient, and totally present, but at myself. After being present for a long time, and reaping enourmous joy, I had a split second (litterally) where I wasn't, and body oriented "fucking" thoughts came to the fore. I realize now how much lack of compassion I have towards those thoughts - in myself especially. After all, I see how much pain they caused me, so I naturally had no compassion towards them. I don't want to perpetrate abuse myself! So I disconnected But of course, it's not the "fucking" thoughts that are the problem. It's the lack of compassion that's the real issue here. And of course I can't have lack of compassion for my mother (which is totally a different thing from keeping firm boundaries and distances in place) and compassion for the same thing in myself.

We encompass bodies with animal insincts. That's not the problem, and never was.

Landmark forum

I went to a Landmark forum introduction last night. My friend invited me and I was a guest in I've done a fair amount of workshops before - even did the practitioner's training at Clearmind, a Course in Miracles based course, and was an assistant at a number of their workshops. This was the first time in at least 5 years I went back into the worshop world.

As far as workshops go, it seemed pretty good. All about unlimited potential - about manifesting what you feel you need rather than being trapped in the need part. "What would life be like if you had _______". And finally inviting it into my life.

For the topic I picked Career. When it comes down to it, I'm in a job I'm bored with. It pays very well, but it's not challenging and I'm not learning any new skills. But when it comes down to it, I'm completely UNpassionate about it. When I worked at IBM, at least I was learning things, feeling valued. I'm a contractor now, and really, I'm just being used by the company. But one of the things in my mind is that I just want to retire. Just make enough money to retire. Well, honestly, my assets are probably over half a million (cdn). So compared to so many people out there in this increasingly disparate society, I'm fully of resources. I can afford to take a year or two (or 3) off and travel. I could move to a small town and live off the interest. I could do a lot of things. Right now I'm taking it easy and accumulating more money. Doesn't hurt.

But when it comes down to it, it would still be very difficult to retire, because there is NOTHING I am passionate about. And what was said in the forum last night really affected me. The initial speaker said something very true: As children, say at 5 or 6, we are passionate about EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING is the best part of our day. And the worst part? Going to bed. And now, there is nothing I am passionate about. Sometimes relationships cause passion, but it's more passion based on feeling I'm missing something. Sometimes it is that I feel such unabashed appreciation of the other person.

I feel like I blocked off passion from myself in order to keep safe. Last night, after doing the "what if ____" at Landmark and coming up with passion , I felt alive and yet cut off from it. A block exists there. Like somethings immensely unsafe happened and I felt I should never be passionate again. Except I can't remember what that choice was. It's like I'm searching for the Holy Grail in the Mists of Avalon. And the thought of quitting computer science and doing something I'm passionate about seems so unrealistic, so dreaming, so elucidating of self-critical thoughts, that I'm reluctant to do anything.

self-compassionate

It was quite a mammoth shift in me over the last few days. Tuesday (the time I wrote the last piece) was very painful but I felt I let something go. I saw my chiropractor/energy worker/touch therapist the next day and she noticed how smoothly things were flowing.

[ FYI, it's not a standard chiropractor - no cracking or anything more than simply touch with awareness and presence, but it works wonders. A link to read about it is http://www.bgiseminars.com/BGI-home.asp ]

I feel genuinely more compassionate to myself. I still feel it's too much to be in a relationship now, given how more aware I am about feeling frightened and disassociating, but I am more ok with it. I also don't have as many compulsive sex thoughts, which feels wonderful.

I feel I am re-writing my childhood. The physical events will always be there, but the interpretation can always change. My mother did indeed touch me inappropriately, but I am no longer thinking of myself as a victim in the situation. I'm gradually changing thinking of this world as an extreme, hostile place, where I am the tool everyone uses to get off on. When it comes down to it, a more accurate truth of my childhood wasn't that I was sexually abused, that I was a victim. A more accurate truth is that I knew my mother was desperate inside and I wanted to help her in any way I can. Any way. I had no idea of the pain it would cause me, nor of my inability to help. I was a child! But it was because of my good heart that all this happened. My brother, who is autistic, had no such experience.

Sometimes a simple re-framing like that can make all the difference in the world. It's a subtle thing, but it opens up more love for myself. After all, it was a mistake. It didn't damn me for all eternity, just made life bloody uncomfortable at times in this life. It certainly set up a lot of things I need to let go of before I am truly myself.

Life feels very new and uncomfortable. Sleep has been a bit more restless. But more has opened inside.

being used for sex

I just got off the phone with my Vicky, my ex. Something about the conversation just brought up how so much of my identity in a relationship – any relationship – is about being used for sex.

Identity is such a hard thing to let go of. It’s been two months and a bit since the relationship ended, two months without sex. And in that two months my discomfort has grown. My discomfort with being touched, my discomfort about being alone, my discomfort with not having sex. And it’s not really about the sex, because I know I push people away. Online I sometimes feel desperate desires to have sex, but I’m fighting with myself at the same time, not really trying to find any, inside saying “fuck this!” - I don’t want to be used anymore! So I’ve felt so trapped inside for the last few weeks, masturbating regularly. And it was a vicious masturbation, more of an attempt to expunge this sexual side of myself. Because after I orgasm, for a short while I don’t have “use me” thoughts anymore – because my hormones have dissipated.

But it’s my identity that’s been so intractable. I really don’t know any other way. That’s why I got back together with Vicky both times. (I’m not speaking for why she got back together with me). Because I was horny for sex, and that part of me desperately wanted to be used. It’s like it is akin to survival. And love. And of course, with my awareness growing each year, I avoided anyone who truly wanted to use me. So I invented it. I felt like they always wanted to use me even when they didn’t. Because there were times we didn’t have sex for a long time, and there was nothing wrong with that. But I continually felt I was wanted for the sex, and it was because my identity NEEDED this. It absolutely needed that feeling, or else I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew nothing other than this when it came to close human contact when I was growing up. Nothing other than the feeling of being used. For sexual contact, for emotional intimacy (e.g., surrogate spouse), for a whole whack of things I’m sure I don’t fully understand yet. But it was my identity to be used, and damn it, I was going to reproduce it.

So what is there without that identity? So much fear. Total loneliness. Being alone in a very harsh world. And that feeling of the world being extremely harsh is as big a part of it as anything. For the threat of being tossed out into the concrete jungle as a child teaches you this when you start thinking that no one will feed you except your family.

Part of why I’m afraid of reaching out to people is this identity. Cause I know I create this feeling of being used – even around good hearted people. And I so hate feeling it.

Something about sex always perpetuated it. Part of it was how emotionally numb I’ve felt in physical touch. Anything more than holding hands has made me numb to my body. Emotionally and physically. So I truly was not aware of all this going on in me. And when I did start to feel, what I felt was all this load inside of me – that the world used my body. That I was meant to be sexually used. My identity.

I really don’t know where I’m going, but it’s obvious I need to completely let go of this identity I acquired somehow, if I’m going to have anything close to a happy relationship. How do you let go of an entire identity?

Yesterday was an important day. My ex-girlfriend called. We broke up close to 2 months ago, after I caught her deleting a message on my answering machine remotely using a stolen code. [it was her message, but it certainly destroyed a lot of trust].

We had broken up a couple times in the last 18 months, once for close to 2 months. Even when broken up, the energetic tendrils were still there. I'm not sure exactly what was going on for her, but there is some sort of strange projection going on, where the relationship with me gets extra important to her. [yes, she still has father stuff].

As for me, I know I still have a lot of sexual confusion, she is extremely beautiful, and it has always been easy for me to just go with the other person's impulses when I am confused and horny. Though it's not as if I don't greatly appreciate her - I do. But there's something about our relationship that hasn't been healthy or growing and I am increasingly unwilling to put up with it.

Two days ago she confessed she took nude photographs of herself while she was on vacation in Thailand. This was very artistically done and with a professional photographer. She sent them to me as she felt I was one of the only people she felt safe to - I'd seen it all before.

However, yesterday, she called, with the same attitude as if we were going out. I told her straight out that of course I was defensive - after all, we aren't going out anymore, and I hadn't had sex with anyone for a couple months, so of course I would feel attracted to beautiful naked pictures. But more to the point, it really felt to me like she was trying to seduce me back, without taking any responsibility for behaviors that caused the breakup in the first place. I very much value her, but it just ends up being drama if one person is totally not willing to face their own shit. So she said maybe she shouldn't talk to me and hung up.

We had quite the co-dependant relationship. Part of why I don't want to rush into a relationship is that I want to get comfortable with myself. When I was single before I used any excuse to distract myself - a favorite one was being in one theatre produciton after another. Between a 40 hour/week job and being in 3 or 4 rehearsals a week (plus preparation) or performances there wasn't that much time. Plus there is a feeling of being sexier in a safe way when you're on the stage. But now I just want to feel it all. And some of it is as dark as empty space. I've been afraid of being alone, of that feeling of space. All my self-recrimination comes up. All my punishing myself and others, pushing people away comes up. All my pain comes up. Sometimes very positively - feeling vulnerable. But I'm still frightened of driving people away. So frightened I can keep people at a distance so I wouldn't drive them away. [what logic is that?]

I have about 4 people I call friends, and each one knows about my sexual history and pains. I don't see them that often, but I value them immensely. It's a weird push pull, because feeling close to someone WITHOUT any expectation or desire of sexual performance feels very strange. With two of those friends the last time I saw them I just asked them to hold my hand - and feeling their touch without anything sexual just caused me to cry and cry. I've been numb for so long to touch.

It's still hard to make friends because of that cringing reflex, the inner voice saying "run! run! run!"

Actually, one thing one of my channeling online friends channeled about me is:

" Matthew, as an older soul you crave but seldom really get what you need in terms of contact with others. Not only do you desire this on a physical and emotional level, but on a spiritual one as well. This can be difficult not only to attract but to maintain. We would say it is one of the caveats to being in the old soul cycle. Therefore, we would suggest that you go the "other" route and look first for the spiritual and the others may well follow. "

Here's to looking.

Well, it's been a year and a half since those two first posts. I've actually been journalling a little bit with a spiritual group of mine, specifically related to that, but let me continue on here. I'm planning to make this more of a chronicle of my own healing journey and perceptions. I'm sure there are lots of people out there doing similar things, but this is necessary for me now, and if people read it, great.

Some basic stuff about me: I'm 33 now, fairly good looking, intelligent, witty, creative, spiritual, fun, interested in activism, perform in theatre, like dance and playing music, and so on. I have a good job and have managed to buy my own place, with a good amount of money saved up on the side. So according to 'society' I'm successful, and according to many ladies I'm attractive. I certainly like getting attention.

The main problem is that I still have all this legacy of sexual and emotional abuse from my mother.

What a term that is! People say "oh, awful", "how hard for you", but it really doesn't describe it, nor help or connect with me at all. Many years ago I thought pity was good, because it was a glimmer of understanding of me that I thought I communicated. Rather now I like communicating exactly what's going on.

So let's get right down to it: symptoms. Here's an incomplete list.

• I have never had sex without the numbness. Oh, I've performed well, been thought of as the best lover my girlfriend ever had, and so on. But that was because, being numb to myself, I only noticed the other person. It's enjoyable pleasing the other person. [past habits with my mom also added to this tendency] When I did start feeling something, it was usually such pain and angst that any erection I had vanished instantly. Some girlfriends found it hard to relax themselves around me, because if the pain showed itself I would invariably get very defensive.
• I have been numb to touch (or recoiling from it) for many years. This isn't just limited to physical touch. Energetic touch (for instance, getting to know strangers) I also recoil from.
• Because of this I've not had very many people I consider friends at all, though I've known a lot of people. It simply gets too much, either for me or for them.
• An inability to have a good night's sleep. I can't without medication. For years I was tired all the time, sometimes with heavy insomnia, but mostly from never going into a deep sleep state. I awake with my jaws clenched and my body thoroughly tense as if I was fighting someone and/or protecting myself. Without drugs, I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all when I wake up.
  
• Big depressive tendencies. This goes part and parcel with my lack of care for myself. It's hard for me to be gentle with myself, to reward myself when I do a good job. I have to consciously do it, and even then it feels half hearted.
  

Now a lot of this sounds very bad, but you get used to it. Only my closest friends know about this. Most people would never guess about my depressive tendency because on first glance I seem to be always smiling, joking, acting the clown. (and usually outrageously so). I'm an expressive person. People who know me would roll their eyes and muttle "you think so?!?". I'm singing, doing dances all the time. But it's in the more intimite environments I suffer.

Last week I went to a friend's show at a club. She just formed her own band this year, so is doing gigs opening for other bands and in very small venues. I loved the music. But the club atmosphere is one where you feel everyone's energy around you intrude a lot. For many people it's exciting, they can lose themselves, go crazy in its relative anonymity. But for me the key word seems to be "intrude". I felt crazy inside, like I'm being attacked, with quick shallow breaths. And of course it's too loud to really talk about it. It look me till the next day before I was calm again.

This isn't a bitching - it's just a framework.

I had a fairly awful today. I had such a problem sleeping last night that the tiredness and tension overran my entire day. Do any of you get like that? It was close to being an anxiety attack, except it was over a long time. Tnese, andrenaline running. More fight or flight mechanisms happening. Extremely easy for me to lash out forcefully at something that simply annoys me. It's for this reason I didn't see anyone today, except when accidentally meeting a friend at Ikea.

One thing I miss about travelling in the third world is - and this may seem strange - actually seeing the suffering of everyday people. It's so bottled up here. Pain, joy, sadness, rabid fear, rage, complete suffering - it's all under the surface, unacknowledged. The silent master pulling the strings - only it's an unconscious master. Everyone has all these things in our society, from the corporate executive to the scruffy begger warming up outside the liquor store.

What I loved about travelling - and most of the time was in India and Nepal - was the room for all these things coming from Pandoras box. Beggars were extremely plentiful. Boxes of cardboard served as homes for hundreds of thousands. The temples were filled - with people and all inside them - anguish, sadness, hope, ecstatic joy. The lid was removed. And it was wonderful. I'm sure all the problems we see were there too - but there was fresh air as well. And it was that air that helped the healing and motion. And then because of this openness, I saw things that were amazing - entire communities that were truly, unabashedly happy and loving. Hopefully tourism and urbanization hasn't ruined all that by now, as it's precious.

It's not just me as an emotional person this affects - though it comes out more. Society is a whole - and the sickness in it affects us all. I don't know if I can describe what this sickness is. It's so ingrained, in our families, in our minds. And it causes so much suffering - being divorced from our hearts, we don't feel compassion. Not just for others, but for ourselves. I've had to work hard at being able to smile at myself - internally.

I suppose this is a long way of saying that I see myself suffering. And so much brings it on. My past, my internal battles - what psychology says. Psychology is expanding, seeing how interelated we are. My, how we are. I wish everyone would see the best way to help others is to truly help themselves.

Well, the start of this blog. Lets start my talking about me. I would describe myself first of all as an old soul. Inside, I feel very old. Not old as in ready to die, but old as in having been here before, a little bit tired of the game, with a gentle sense of homor, not taking anything that seriously. One web site that has a description of the old soul is at www.michaelteachings.com, that's quite interesting.

I'm someone with lots of problems, all internal. But that's where I want to focus. I have a good job (at least one that pays well), attractive, own my own place, have had no problem getting (and keeping) girlfriends, am artistic, very emotional, very intelligent and know how to have fun. In fact, a lot of things come very easy to me. But that puts the focus inside.

I just got a new girlfriend within the last 2 weeks. Sex is very interesting for me. I don't find the purely physical aspects that interesting. I've had purely physical relationships and frankly they're quite boring. But sex - the passion - is about the blurring of boundaries, union, connection, creation. That part is fascinating. I'm odd (esp. for a guy) in that I always want to spent the time with the eyes open, conscious, connecting. Of course, it's frightening like that - because it's a way to be a little more vulnerable to the other person. Anyway, not to the point.

Aside from that, I guess I like to spent my time searching for what's common between everyone. Between cultures, between educations, indoctrinations, etc. I've stopped listening to news and tv because of all the complications it brings. We get so many opinions, but no one *knows*. Who do we value to lead us? I'm not talking politicians, which is so obvious, but what leads us in subtle ways. Our teachers, our journalists, even our actors. Our society - which is right now almost akin to saying the media and who owns it - values "interesting". Not truth at all, but interesting. In other words, what distracts us. Someone who rights well gets published. It doesn't have to be true, have anything that improves life for anyone, makes anyone think for themself, or give a new viewpoint.

To me what is interesting is that process of getting to think for one's self. To be a person, in the full sense of the world. To know what one's "self" is. To be differentiated (in the psychological sense) and more.