Meeting Diane

Lots of wonderful changes in my life recently. What can I say.

First of all the online course I am taking now - a channeled course from a causal discoporate entity named michael is taking shape. (see http://www.michaelteachings.com) Some exercises I am doing from it have really triggered a lot of joy in my life. The most important one for me is simply seeing detail. Paying attention to every little detail, visually, sensually, orally (and aurally) as well as 'internal' senses. When I am there, I feel such a sense of awe. And more than that - a feeling that "simply this is enough". Being totally present, to the best of my ability, is enough. Getting anything else won't bring me more happiness than this.

Second, I've been doing a lot more exercise for the past month and a bit, and that's helped too. With the company I'm working for on strike, it's meant the company gym is free and empty. (yes, they charge employees to use the company gym - and then wonder why the atmosphere is bad at work). I've been working out, trying to breathe deeply and listen to mantra music instead of the standard top 40 crap other people leave on.

Thirdly, I've just met a wonderful woman, Diane. She's an astrologer and also an old soul. And more than that, she is very present with who she is. She has many issues inside - as do I - but when it comes down to issues, I never get bothered by issues unless there's denial and projection going on. In fact, "issues" can be such positive momentum for growth when you're present with them, compassionate to yourself and all others with similar issues. Both her and I have the sexual abuse going on, but it expresses itself as a great tenderness. So much wordless communication going on.

She actually met me at an ex- monk (Alan Clements) talk/discussion. He is fairly imbalanced and not too clear about what he is communicating. As Diane told me afterwards, she sensed my 'huge' aura immediately when I came in a few minutes late - and then confirmed her perception of it when I spoke up for a while, speaking 'peacefully' and 'powerfully'. And I felt that myself - I've come more into my own when it came to that. I didn't feel her aura in the same way - I notice crowds and the way energy is blending together more than I notice individual energies in a group - but when she caught up to me afterwards I felt a very strong connection.

Yesterday, I had my first issue coming up - sexual (of course). Some energy was flowing after an hour or two of sexual relating that really triggered me, and I didn't understand then. It was when I was being more aggressive. The insight came afterwards, after I'd told her I needed some processing time. It actually gave insight not just to me, but for understanding of sexual abuse in general.

What I understood was actually throwing traditional fear-based thought on its end. I had thought that I get triggered because something "out there" triggered me. Like I was frightened of what happened in my childhood (or even past lives) would happen to me again. However, that belief is extremely disempowering. I realized I was reacting not at Diane, who was tender, patient, and totally present, but at myself. After being present for a long time, and reaping enourmous joy, I had a split second (litterally) where I wasn't, and body oriented "fucking" thoughts came to the fore. I realize now how much lack of compassion I have towards those thoughts - in myself especially. After all, I see how much pain they caused me, so I naturally had no compassion towards them. I don't want to perpetrate abuse myself! So I disconnected But of course, it's not the "fucking" thoughts that are the problem. It's the lack of compassion that's the real issue here. And of course I can't have lack of compassion for my mother (which is totally a different thing from keeping firm boundaries and distances in place) and compassion for the same thing in myself.

We encompass bodies with animal insincts. That's not the problem, and never was.