Yesterday was an important day. My ex-girlfriend called. We broke up close to 2 months ago, after I caught her deleting a message on my answering machine remotely using a stolen code. [it was her message, but it certainly destroyed a lot of trust].

We had broken up a couple times in the last 18 months, once for close to 2 months. Even when broken up, the energetic tendrils were still there. I'm not sure exactly what was going on for her, but there is some sort of strange projection going on, where the relationship with me gets extra important to her. [yes, she still has father stuff].

As for me, I know I still have a lot of sexual confusion, she is extremely beautiful, and it has always been easy for me to just go with the other person's impulses when I am confused and horny. Though it's not as if I don't greatly appreciate her - I do. But there's something about our relationship that hasn't been healthy or growing and I am increasingly unwilling to put up with it.

Two days ago she confessed she took nude photographs of herself while she was on vacation in Thailand. This was very artistically done and with a professional photographer. She sent them to me as she felt I was one of the only people she felt safe to - I'd seen it all before.

However, yesterday, she called, with the same attitude as if we were going out. I told her straight out that of course I was defensive - after all, we aren't going out anymore, and I hadn't had sex with anyone for a couple months, so of course I would feel attracted to beautiful naked pictures. But more to the point, it really felt to me like she was trying to seduce me back, without taking any responsibility for behaviors that caused the breakup in the first place. I very much value her, but it just ends up being drama if one person is totally not willing to face their own shit. So she said maybe she shouldn't talk to me and hung up.

We had quite the co-dependant relationship. Part of why I don't want to rush into a relationship is that I want to get comfortable with myself. When I was single before I used any excuse to distract myself - a favorite one was being in one theatre produciton after another. Between a 40 hour/week job and being in 3 or 4 rehearsals a week (plus preparation) or performances there wasn't that much time. Plus there is a feeling of being sexier in a safe way when you're on the stage. But now I just want to feel it all. And some of it is as dark as empty space. I've been afraid of being alone, of that feeling of space. All my self-recrimination comes up. All my punishing myself and others, pushing people away comes up. All my pain comes up. Sometimes very positively - feeling vulnerable. But I'm still frightened of driving people away. So frightened I can keep people at a distance so I wouldn't drive them away. [what logic is that?]

I have about 4 people I call friends, and each one knows about my sexual history and pains. I don't see them that often, but I value them immensely. It's a weird push pull, because feeling close to someone WITHOUT any expectation or desire of sexual performance feels very strange. With two of those friends the last time I saw them I just asked them to hold my hand - and feeling their touch without anything sexual just caused me to cry and cry. I've been numb for so long to touch.

It's still hard to make friends because of that cringing reflex, the inner voice saying "run! run! run!"

Actually, one thing one of my channeling online friends channeled about me is:

" Matthew, as an older soul you crave but seldom really get what you need in terms of contact with others. Not only do you desire this on a physical and emotional level, but on a spiritual one as well. This can be difficult not only to attract but to maintain. We would say it is one of the caveats to being in the old soul cycle. Therefore, we would suggest that you go the "other" route and look first for the spiritual and the others may well follow. "

Here's to looking.