Well, it's been a year and a half since those two first posts. I've actually been journalling a little bit with a spiritual group of mine, specifically related to that, but let me continue on here. I'm planning to make this more of a chronicle of my own healing journey and perceptions. I'm sure there are lots of people out there doing similar things, but this is necessary for me now, and if people read it, great.

Some basic stuff about me: I'm 33 now, fairly good looking, intelligent, witty, creative, spiritual, fun, interested in activism, perform in theatre, like dance and playing music, and so on. I have a good job and have managed to buy my own place, with a good amount of money saved up on the side. So according to 'society' I'm successful, and according to many ladies I'm attractive. I certainly like getting attention.

The main problem is that I still have all this legacy of sexual and emotional abuse from my mother.

What a term that is! People say "oh, awful", "how hard for you", but it really doesn't describe it, nor help or connect with me at all. Many years ago I thought pity was good, because it was a glimmer of understanding of me that I thought I communicated. Rather now I like communicating exactly what's going on.

So let's get right down to it: symptoms. Here's an incomplete list.

• I have never had sex without the numbness. Oh, I've performed well, been thought of as the best lover my girlfriend ever had, and so on. But that was because, being numb to myself, I only noticed the other person. It's enjoyable pleasing the other person. [past habits with my mom also added to this tendency] When I did start feeling something, it was usually such pain and angst that any erection I had vanished instantly. Some girlfriends found it hard to relax themselves around me, because if the pain showed itself I would invariably get very defensive.
• I have been numb to touch (or recoiling from it) for many years. This isn't just limited to physical touch. Energetic touch (for instance, getting to know strangers) I also recoil from.
• Because of this I've not had very many people I consider friends at all, though I've known a lot of people. It simply gets too much, either for me or for them.
• An inability to have a good night's sleep. I can't without medication. For years I was tired all the time, sometimes with heavy insomnia, but mostly from never going into a deep sleep state. I awake with my jaws clenched and my body thoroughly tense as if I was fighting someone and/or protecting myself. Without drugs, I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all when I wake up.
  
• Big depressive tendencies. This goes part and parcel with my lack of care for myself. It's hard for me to be gentle with myself, to reward myself when I do a good job. I have to consciously do it, and even then it feels half hearted.
  

Now a lot of this sounds very bad, but you get used to it. Only my closest friends know about this. Most people would never guess about my depressive tendency because on first glance I seem to be always smiling, joking, acting the clown. (and usually outrageously so). I'm an expressive person. People who know me would roll their eyes and muttle "you think so?!?". I'm singing, doing dances all the time. But it's in the more intimite environments I suffer.

Last week I went to a friend's show at a club. She just formed her own band this year, so is doing gigs opening for other bands and in very small venues. I loved the music. But the club atmosphere is one where you feel everyone's energy around you intrude a lot. For many people it's exciting, they can lose themselves, go crazy in its relative anonymity. But for me the key word seems to be "intrude". I felt crazy inside, like I'm being attacked, with quick shallow breaths. And of course it's too loud to really talk about it. It look me till the next day before I was calm again.

This isn't a bitching - it's just a framework.