Landmark forum

I went to a Landmark forum introduction last night. My friend invited me and I was a guest in I've done a fair amount of workshops before - even did the practitioner's training at Clearmind, a Course in Miracles based course, and was an assistant at a number of their workshops. This was the first time in at least 5 years I went back into the worshop world.

As far as workshops go, it seemed pretty good. All about unlimited potential - about manifesting what you feel you need rather than being trapped in the need part. "What would life be like if you had _______". And finally inviting it into my life.

For the topic I picked Career. When it comes down to it, I'm in a job I'm bored with. It pays very well, but it's not challenging and I'm not learning any new skills. But when it comes down to it, I'm completely UNpassionate about it. When I worked at IBM, at least I was learning things, feeling valued. I'm a contractor now, and really, I'm just being used by the company. But one of the things in my mind is that I just want to retire. Just make enough money to retire. Well, honestly, my assets are probably over half a million (cdn). So compared to so many people out there in this increasingly disparate society, I'm fully of resources. I can afford to take a year or two (or 3) off and travel. I could move to a small town and live off the interest. I could do a lot of things. Right now I'm taking it easy and accumulating more money. Doesn't hurt.

But when it comes down to it, it would still be very difficult to retire, because there is NOTHING I am passionate about. And what was said in the forum last night really affected me. The initial speaker said something very true: As children, say at 5 or 6, we are passionate about EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING is the best part of our day. And the worst part? Going to bed. And now, there is nothing I am passionate about. Sometimes relationships cause passion, but it's more passion based on feeling I'm missing something. Sometimes it is that I feel such unabashed appreciation of the other person.

I feel like I blocked off passion from myself in order to keep safe. Last night, after doing the "what if ____" at Landmark and coming up with passion , I felt alive and yet cut off from it. A block exists there. Like somethings immensely unsafe happened and I felt I should never be passionate again. Except I can't remember what that choice was. It's like I'm searching for the Holy Grail in the Mists of Avalon. And the thought of quitting computer science and doing something I'm passionate about seems so unrealistic, so dreaming, so elucidating of self-critical thoughts, that I'm reluctant to do anything.