self-compassionate

It was quite a mammoth shift in me over the last few days. Tuesday (the time I wrote the last piece) was very painful but I felt I let something go. I saw my chiropractor/energy worker/touch therapist the next day and she noticed how smoothly things were flowing.

[ FYI, it's not a standard chiropractor - no cracking or anything more than simply touch with awareness and presence, but it works wonders. A link to read about it is http://www.bgiseminars.com/BGI-home.asp ]

I feel genuinely more compassionate to myself. I still feel it's too much to be in a relationship now, given how more aware I am about feeling frightened and disassociating, but I am more ok with it. I also don't have as many compulsive sex thoughts, which feels wonderful.

I feel I am re-writing my childhood. The physical events will always be there, but the interpretation can always change. My mother did indeed touch me inappropriately, but I am no longer thinking of myself as a victim in the situation. I'm gradually changing thinking of this world as an extreme, hostile place, where I am the tool everyone uses to get off on. When it comes down to it, a more accurate truth of my childhood wasn't that I was sexually abused, that I was a victim. A more accurate truth is that I knew my mother was desperate inside and I wanted to help her in any way I can. Any way. I had no idea of the pain it would cause me, nor of my inability to help. I was a child! But it was because of my good heart that all this happened. My brother, who is autistic, had no such experience.

Sometimes a simple re-framing like that can make all the difference in the world. It's a subtle thing, but it opens up more love for myself. After all, it was a mistake. It didn't damn me for all eternity, just made life bloody uncomfortable at times in this life. It certainly set up a lot of things I need to let go of before I am truly myself.

Life feels very new and uncomfortable. Sleep has been a bit more restless. But more has opened inside.