being used for sex

I just got off the phone with my Vicky, my ex. Something about the conversation just brought up how so much of my identity in a relationship – any relationship – is about being used for sex.

Identity is such a hard thing to let go of. It’s been two months and a bit since the relationship ended, two months without sex. And in that two months my discomfort has grown. My discomfort with being touched, my discomfort about being alone, my discomfort with not having sex. And it’s not really about the sex, because I know I push people away. Online I sometimes feel desperate desires to have sex, but I’m fighting with myself at the same time, not really trying to find any, inside saying “fuck this!” - I don’t want to be used anymore! So I’ve felt so trapped inside for the last few weeks, masturbating regularly. And it was a vicious masturbation, more of an attempt to expunge this sexual side of myself. Because after I orgasm, for a short while I don’t have “use me” thoughts anymore – because my hormones have dissipated.

But it’s my identity that’s been so intractable. I really don’t know any other way. That’s why I got back together with Vicky both times. (I’m not speaking for why she got back together with me). Because I was horny for sex, and that part of me desperately wanted to be used. It’s like it is akin to survival. And love. And of course, with my awareness growing each year, I avoided anyone who truly wanted to use me. So I invented it. I felt like they always wanted to use me even when they didn’t. Because there were times we didn’t have sex for a long time, and there was nothing wrong with that. But I continually felt I was wanted for the sex, and it was because my identity NEEDED this. It absolutely needed that feeling, or else I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew nothing other than this when it came to close human contact when I was growing up. Nothing other than the feeling of being used. For sexual contact, for emotional intimacy (e.g., surrogate spouse), for a whole whack of things I’m sure I don’t fully understand yet. But it was my identity to be used, and damn it, I was going to reproduce it.

So what is there without that identity? So much fear. Total loneliness. Being alone in a very harsh world. And that feeling of the world being extremely harsh is as big a part of it as anything. For the threat of being tossed out into the concrete jungle as a child teaches you this when you start thinking that no one will feed you except your family.

Part of why I’m afraid of reaching out to people is this identity. Cause I know I create this feeling of being used – even around good hearted people. And I so hate feeling it.

Something about sex always perpetuated it. Part of it was how emotionally numb I’ve felt in physical touch. Anything more than holding hands has made me numb to my body. Emotionally and physically. So I truly was not aware of all this going on in me. And when I did start to feel, what I felt was all this load inside of me – that the world used my body. That I was meant to be sexually used. My identity.

I really don’t know where I’m going, but it’s obvious I need to completely let go of this identity I acquired somehow, if I’m going to have anything close to a happy relationship. How do you let go of an entire identity?