being seen for who I am
Today I went out to see Sophie today. It's a strange relationship, this one. I had channeled earlier that she was my mother in a past life, and it is mother issues (what with abuse) that I am dealing with most of all now. Not to mention that in that life, she neglected me a little as she was just not that interested in being a mother. Sort of goes with the feeling of not being heard/seen I feel in this life.
It still brings up a lot of reactions for me when someone I feel energetically close to not seeing what is really going on. Even with little things. For instance, when I was just getting to know her and all this stuff was coming up (for both of us), she thought I was more doglike than catlike. This really ruffled my feathers, as I am TOTALLY catlike (which she just commented on today) and I threw, in her words, a "psychic tantrum". Silly of course, but what cat likes being called a dog?
Being seen and heard for what I am is so big, because it gets so confusing when I feel others perceptions of me being out of whack - at least when I feel a strong energetic connection and can 'feel' their perceptions. My mother has somewhat of a borderline personality framework and has projection working in overtime. I always acted out her perceptions of me, even if totally off-based. Still not sure what function this served me, other than to not cause any conflicts that she would create if questioned. But it's a behaviour that has followed me. It's made me crazy as it's a real barrier for others to get to know who I am. A part of me even believes it. I'm afraid all these negative things are true. I'm a bad person, I am needy. When I touch someone and I'm feeling guilt inside, I want to drag people down. It's wrong, needy. Whereas I'm really just feeling hurt, and I want to be seen and touched gently while I'm in that space, with no sex, just affection and appreciation of who I am, which includes all that hurt (for now). But hurt transforms - when placed in the open air, where the sun (and other people) can reach it.
I am very glad I let some of that out yesterday and cried with sophie while she hugged me. Being seen and heard for what I am is SO important. When there's guilt there, I don't speak, I don't write, I am ashamed of me. SILENT. So much the guilt for the sage. Whereas I feel better when no matter what I'm feeling, even shame, is expressed. This is part of the totality of me! And it is a totality. Anything "out there" is also "in here". And that's the wonder of it all.
It still brings up a lot of reactions for me when someone I feel energetically close to not seeing what is really going on. Even with little things. For instance, when I was just getting to know her and all this stuff was coming up (for both of us), she thought I was more doglike than catlike. This really ruffled my feathers, as I am TOTALLY catlike (which she just commented on today) and I threw, in her words, a "psychic tantrum". Silly of course, but what cat likes being called a dog?
Being seen and heard for what I am is so big, because it gets so confusing when I feel others perceptions of me being out of whack - at least when I feel a strong energetic connection and can 'feel' their perceptions. My mother has somewhat of a borderline personality framework and has projection working in overtime. I always acted out her perceptions of me, even if totally off-based. Still not sure what function this served me, other than to not cause any conflicts that she would create if questioned. But it's a behaviour that has followed me. It's made me crazy as it's a real barrier for others to get to know who I am. A part of me even believes it. I'm afraid all these negative things are true. I'm a bad person, I am needy. When I touch someone and I'm feeling guilt inside, I want to drag people down. It's wrong, needy. Whereas I'm really just feeling hurt, and I want to be seen and touched gently while I'm in that space, with no sex, just affection and appreciation of who I am, which includes all that hurt (for now). But hurt transforms - when placed in the open air, where the sun (and other people) can reach it.
I am very glad I let some of that out yesterday and cried with sophie while she hugged me. Being seen and heard for what I am is SO important. When there's guilt there, I don't speak, I don't write, I am ashamed of me. SILENT. So much the guilt for the sage. Whereas I feel better when no matter what I'm feeling, even shame, is expressed. This is part of the totality of me! And it is a totality. Anything "out there" is also "in here". And that's the wonder of it all.
posted by Loving Awareness | 11/14/2005 08:48:00 AM
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