oh, tension!

I had a huge trigger today. One of my new co-workers, a nice girl of Korean background, got quite upset on seeing me write "Hatem is an asshole" on my own test system (that was not public). Hatem is the co-worker I get along with the best. It's evolved that we call each other asshole fairly regularly. So it surprised me that this new co-worker came out, tense, defensive, after looking at in my mind was my private development system, and said how uncomfortable that comment made her feel and that it should be changed immediately.

Oh, how tense this made me. Anger, rage, frustration. Self-condemnation. Feeling trapped by political correctness. Feeling I can't voice myself. Feeling now I have to conform, which is so not me.

I have such inner condemnation for my inner anger. Inner anger towards women. The most intense time in my life for this was when I was at university, when I was having a huge fight with my girlfriend and a real nosy parker offered criticism towards me. I vented my frustration at her - and then 1 month later (not having done anything other than that one time) got dragged before sexual harrassment with an assumption of guilt and veiled threats and shame. And at no time was I allowed to talk to that person after that - I was considered a potential danger. (Yes, it was just a verbal venting, not physical, not entirely one sided either, but certainly one in which I let deep seated anger out).

Honestly, I do feel such intense anger against weak women who hide behind guilt and shame and control. Not for the weakness, but for the automatic, unconscious tendencies towards shame and control. And I don't want to punish them. I don't want to shame them. I honestly condemn myself for having these feelings, even though I know it's human, considering my own history of sexual abuse. I associate simply having feelings like these with abuse.

It's taken me a few hours just trying to get these words out. And a little bit of booze. Simply saying I have intense anger towards weak woman makes me seem like a bit of an abuser in my mind. But part of me thinks that it's always a choice to be weak - simply acknowledging weakness - admiting areas where you're defensive and unconscious - is strength in itself. It's part of my strength.

I find it very hard to accept this part of myself. I tried sitting in front of the mirror and just being with myself in meditation tonight, but couldn't get there. A couple weeks ago, I did this when I was feeling intensely depressed, and it worked wonders. But with this, I find it so hard. I have no friends who I am 100% sure would totally accept this part of me. It's such a touchy issue. My closest friend now, Sophie, has an incredible connection with me, but reacts very strongly to my 'dark' side. There are others who would say the 'right thing', but I would sense they don't see what's there, they just want to make me feel better.

I totally believe Love of self - unconditional acceptance - is the only true, permanent change towards good there is. And the most radical, helpful change is Love of all this. I know I feel this way because of abuse, because I was intensely controled in many ways. I have tossed away much of that imprinting but it's still there strongly in this area. It also feels really bad that, being in a corporation, I can't express myself. I can't let tears come through my eyes.

The thing is, venting anger is not acceptance of it. It's trying to empty it so it won't trouble you again. I've tried punching bags. It also doesn't deal with anger at myself - that I let myself be controled, that I too am very weak and confused at times, that I too have tried to play on others shame at times. I love Thich Nhat Hanh's meditations/poetry on "I am that". Basically, everything in our sight or minds, we are that. I can't separate myself from my anger and helplessness - I am that. The basic fact that I am a non-enlightened human being makes me helpless in many things. There's no escaping that. I am the rage that blindly punishes. I am the avoiding of self that brings others into the drama. Yes, I have all this in common with actual abusers, and can't escape that. The emotions are in common. At some level, the fact I've never done anything close to criminal doesn't make that much difference - because energetically and emotionally, there are resonances. But that doesn't make me bad. It just means that I need to expand my love and acceptance to more people on this world - so I can also extend it to more of myself.